I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
