So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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