I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
