i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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