I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
