I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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