I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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