not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize