I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
