My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
this is an emotional support booty call
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
