Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
