I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
