Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
