i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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