i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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