does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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