god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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