I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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