I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize