Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
