P.S. I can't hear my feet
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
