The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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