i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
