so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize