someone threw a dead crab at me
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
