Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
