my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
