see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
