The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize