it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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