If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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