Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize