I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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