I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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