I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My penis needs a shock collar
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm really busy with my period
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