dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
