my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
