I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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