I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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