I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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