i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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