sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
