I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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