I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
This house was built for laser tag.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
