This is not my ceiling
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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