So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
