Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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