apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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