I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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