I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Hippo gnu deer
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
