Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
