It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize