Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
