If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
