Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
