What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
