hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
