can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
