and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
