Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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