Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
