Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
