the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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