Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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