I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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