I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I love you.
Bad choice
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
