I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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