please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
