My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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