I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
