his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Randomize
