i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
