If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
