I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
