I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
